You wake up one day scared you’re gonna live

I wish I could just stop being so goddamn sad all the time.

I wish that I wasn’t always unhappy or frowning or fucking anxious that I annoy everyone around me. I wish that I didn’t have acne-scarred skin and yellow fucking hair. I wish that I wasn’t overweight with ugly stretchmarks because I’m the hopeless wonder that gains almost 20kgs in maybe two months.

I wish that I didn’t have a boyfriend who never finished school, and who can’t drive and doesn’t own a suit and everything else that seems really superficial but I get really tired of defending.

But mostly I wish I could get out of bed in the morning and not lift up my shirt, look at my stomach, curse and frown, take a shower, consider getting back into bed, sitting on the bed, contemplating just staying there. I wish that I could have one day where getting out of bed wasn’t my biggest achievement. I want to not lay on my bed the whole day staring at the ceiling, not being able to do anything.

I want to be able to enjoy going out and socializing and dancing. I want to not spend all of my money on food only ending up eating it all in one day and spending the rest of the week starving myself. I want to not be controlled by food. I want to not come home every day and just sleep so I don’t eat or because I have nothing better to do all day. Am I really that person? Does my life not have any meaning?

I wake up, I go to class, I come home, I sleep, I eat, I stare into space until it’s time to bed.

Then I have my fucking roommate miss academia and house comm who fucking works all the time and has friends and a social life and is skinny and how can one person have their life so together and I can’t even manage to get out of bed, a good day is when I can actually convince myself to do laundry. This crippling hopelessness is not something that I think I can live with. Seeing everyone I went to school with losing weight, becoming more and more beautiful, building a life for themselves.

Honestly I don’t think I’ve grown at all since last year, I’d like to convince myself that I have. Yes so working in a restaurant is not that bad and now I go back willingly, yes I lost my virginity and we fucked like bunnies all though spring/summer. Yes I was actually skinny for maybe a month until I ballooned out of “happiness” and have since been fatter than ever, leaving my self esteem shatters.

I just want to feel equal, good enough for once. I’m tired of seeing myself as the fat friend or the quiet friend or the friend that is fucking incapable of fucking being social and how is it that after a year I am still sat here fucking comparing myself to fucking dickheads that I actually couldn’t fucking stand in high school??

Why are their lives so great?? Why do I constantly feel like I am fucking only being tolerated by the people that I call my friends? Why can’t i just be understood. I don’t even want to be understood. I just want to be vapidly and superficially, physically pretty. Like, yes, all the recovering eating disorder people say that chasing happiness in losing weight never lead anyone to true happiness, but .. I was happy?? I was so happy????? I was so confident??? Wearing all the clothes then and seeing the way it looks on me now? FUCK.

My residence formal is in a few weeks and my prom dress doesn’t even fit me anymore.

And it’s my fault because I was being so irresponsible. Irresponsible with food and my weight and my future !! I’m not in house comm, I do no extra curricular activities, my CV is almost blank because I can’t fucking get myself out of bed in the mornings.

I’m SO tired of being unhappy.

Wasted

“Eating disorders linger so long, undetected, eroding the body in silence, and then they strike. The secret is out. You’re dying.” (Wasted; pg 2)

When it all comes out, the people we love will kick themselves for not noticing, for not realizing sooner the way we punish ourselves. If you really look closely, it is all so obvious, but things like these never resonate. “It could never happen to me, not my child,”, the same I’d think with teen pregnancy. There was a girl in my high school, a year older than I am. It took her months to realize she was expecting. I suppose if it were a movie, morning sickness, weight gain and the works would be obvious, but if it’s you, and it’s your life, you always think it would never happen.

So families have their children, dieting, exercising, and even restricting. They think, oh good, she’s losing weight, she’s being healthy and taking care of herself. Anorexia never comes to mind. It’s not until they’re only skin and bones and lying in a hospital bed until you realize that these things are real and these things could happen to anyone.

Holding on for the sake of holding on

I shouldn’t even attempt to have normal relationships. I should just be the little hermit who stays in her room and only befriends emotionally damaged people who keep their distance.

I have questions, but no answers. I understand that in a relationship, there are tough times. There are times where you want to kill your significant other and you would consider it if it weren’t for the fact that you would get caught. There are times you have to work for the relationship, and work hard. I get it, love is no walk in the park, but is there a line? How do you know whether you are in a rough patch, or you have reached the end?

I feel like I’m just over it. I can’t be bothered anymore, and if any of you have read my previous posts, you would see that I have been feeling this way for a while now. Whenever I talk to her, I find myself wishing that I did not have to talk to her, that I never have to talk to her again. It’s just effort.

And then the little bitch goes on about my attitude, how she has gotten over what’s happened to me this past year, she has accepted it, like she even knows what it’s been like, like that’s the part of all of this that’s been bothering me. She’s a fucking child locked up in her room for most of her time, not interacting with anyone except her big fucking stuffed bear. And then she sits back and judges me, always having an opinion about things she has no knowledge of. Ranting about her doesn’t even make me feel better, and ranting has gotten me through a lot. Whenever I rant, I just find something else to be annoyed about. Maybe too much has happened. Maybe we are just too incompatible. Maybe we’re too the same, and if I can hardly stand myself, why the fuck would I be able to handle someone who is exactly like me?

I get annoyed with her when she’s happy. What kind of person am I? Oh she’s out with her friends, oh she’s happy, better be short and ignore her to spoil her mood. That’s basically what happens. And it’s not like I want to hang out with her and her little friends, but if we’re going to be completely honest, if I were to see my friends, whenever I make plans with them, I invite her. I always cart her little ass along, regretting it 9 out of 10 times because of her little attitude like her being there is a favor to me. And then suddenly this year when her best friends turn around and leave for varsity, now she suddenly likes my friends, now she wants to see and hang out with them. Sorry sweety, wave them goodbye.

And her baby talk. Mother of god, I just can’t take it. If you’re seventeen years old, there is absolutely, positively no fucking reason for you to fucking talk like a three year old in a conversation with someone your age, or older than you. This is probably the biggest reason talking to her is such a motherfucker of a chore. I try so hard to talk to her, and then she tries to act all cute. Seriously at what age do you stop convincing yourself you’re a toddler inside? Not to mention the complete bullshit she talks about. Wow, the teacher who so happily let you shove your head up their ass, your school marks that now suddenly measure up to mine after your lovely rant about how no one could do that well without obvious favoritism, or your inadequate art. Best of all your backstabbing childish little school chums lives. Let’s be honest, there’s really nothing to talk about anymore. Everything she says annoys the shit out of me.

We had a fight the other day, and didn’t talk for two days. I happily deleted her number and didn’t think about her. When she popped up telling me she misses me, honestly I was tempted to just tell her to fuck off again.

But then I think, we’ve known each other for more than a year. We had a solid relationship, we have relied on each other, my friends know and are used to her. I still have her books, I want to do a detox with her family. If I ended this for good, it would be the end of many things. And, though I don’t feel like it now, it might be something I regret later on. I must say, being completely honest, picturing a life without her right now did not seem so bad. Sigh.

At times I wish I had never met her. I wonder how different my life would be. As I said, we relied on one another, she has changed my perspective on life. Not in a good way. She’s managed to make me feel average, fearful, unimportant, needy. My life, especially this year, would be so much different. And I wish I could just go back and never start this mess. I was perfectly happy in my little bubble, with my little group of friends and my vague plans for greatness. I didn’t need her, I’ve never needed her.

 

Hiding pieces of ourselves so people would like us better

Another quick thought.

I feel like when people meet us we should just wear big signs around our neck that say “I’m emotionally unstable” or “I’m fucking crazy”. Just as a warning, to avoid fights in the future.

When we meet someone, we pretend we’re normal, we hide our flaws, we often wait years to reveal our true selves or attempt to hide it forever, but what is the point? How is that justified? You do it because you want this person to like you, and yet you spend your entire life with this person pretending to be someone you’re not, or less, pretending to be less of you.

I’ll admit, I have that same problem. How do you even tell someone these things without seeming like you just want attention?

I wish when I met her I could have just gone “Hi, I’m fucking crazy and emotionally unstable and severely bipolar and I have crippling anxiety that totally ruins my life and I hate myself to the point where I criticize everything I do but it’s okay because I laugh it off and appear super confident and actually I’m battling anorexia but please let’s talk about food because it’s all I think about and I pretend not to like physical affection but it’s only because when people touch me I fall apart and want to cry.”

At least then she’d know who I am. It’s all I am. I sincerely don’t even know how to accurately describe myself in another way.

It’s not even that I need her to take care of me. I just need her to know so that what I do makes sense to her. But it’s too late now. Forever stuck pretending to be half a person.

But seriously though

I constantly talk about what I still need to learn in life, but lately I’ve started thinking about the things I have learned, especially during this year. Reality has pulled me down to earth, which, admittedly, I desperately needed.

One of the biggest reasons that I had suffered my academic faux pas this year was that during high school, I honest to God believed I was special. I thought I was smart, I thought I was talented, and ultimately I thought that some kind of bright and idiosyncratic future was waiting for me. Maybe I thought I would be a writer, or an artist, or an actress. None of them particularly special nowadays, now that I think about it. To tell the truth, I didn’t know what I wanted to be, I’ve never known. It’s always been some far-off thing that I didn’t have to deal with until the day came where I had to decide, and I still didn’t know.

I hated the idea of a university, I thought that it was so average. Being surrounded by thousands of academics, living the average college life, wasting time and ending up in an average job. I thought I was better than that. I wanted something different, something special, specialized schools that weren’t as pretentious as I found universities to be. I always said that university wasn’t special enough, it wasn’t original enough. Typical thoughts of a teenager trapped in a small town, yet to see the world.

That was the idea that I had going in, and look what I ended up with. I ended up with the people who dropped out of university, specialized schools with no academic merit whatsoever. And the place where I thought I would find people like me turned out to be the sea of pretentious people that I wanted to get away from. Though I was probably like them, I too was pretentious. But I wanted better, I’ll always want better.

At least now I know that life isn’t exactly what it seems, especially not when you’re cooped up in a small town and life is based on what you see on tv. But I thought I knew everything. I had no plans and no direction, no ambition except to be noticed, and yet I was some genius willing to waste the money of my parents just so that I could feel special for a little while longer. I was an immature child who was scared of facing the future, though that hasn’t changed much.

I have previously mentioned my intention to study Law which has lead to internal conflict which I have yet to share with anyone. It makes me feel like a coward, and in all fairness, I am a coward. I am scared of disappointing my parents and people who expected greatness from me. I don’t want to be some broke ass artist living in a dump to survive, I want a safety net, and that kills me. I always expected more from myself, but I guess this is growing up. Making peace with things like this, letting go of certain parts of ourselves as we leave childhood behind.

I had to move out of my college apartment last week, something I was absolutely dreading. Admittedly, it was quite cathartic. I cleaned the room, threw away some of my belongings and packed my life into a bag. Just goes to show how easy it actually is to close a chapter in your life if it can all fit in a suitcase. There was no sentimental goodbye to the miserable little apartment, but I still wonder whether I had let go of something that was not meant for me, or if I had simply given up.

Either way, here I am, this girl who is seen as someone who works hard and is ambitious, back home and working as a waitress. Never in my life did I think I would be the girl who ended up this way, but oh well, at least I’m not pregnant.

I sometimes feel like I don’t have the right to be sad about it. It was all my fault, after all, it was my poor choices, and ultimately my decision to discontinue my education and come home. I feel like I am judged for being sad about it, like my peers think that it means nothing and I should move on, but I do feel sad. I’ve never realized how lost I am in life, people like me aren’t supposed to be lost. I just wish someone would tell me what to do with my life, that I would have a steady vision or even a dream like my friends. I am not only sad about coming home, I am sad about the fact that I had let it all get this bad, and that deciding on a future means betraying myself. I am sad because I don’t know myself at all in a place where everyone seems to have everything together.

As a child of no more than twelve years old, I had heard somewhere that the teenage years are the most confusing years of your life. Growing up, friends, changing, and ultimately questioning who you are. I laughed, confidently, and told myself exactly who I am, I never thought that I would question it. But then again, this is the same child who sat in front of the mirror and told herself, “I simply can’t be ugly, why would I be ugly? I am me. God wouldn’t make me ugly, not when I am me.”

Sometimes I think that people stop wondering who they are and they just are, the way they are. Just as simple as that. Stop asking, wondering, and just be. It sounds so easy, but when it comes to it, maybe I just haven’t reached it. In the same breath,  I would like to say that I didn’t know that I was learning these lessons while they were happening. It was only a few days ago that I realized that my perspective had changed completely. That’s part of the beauty of it, feeling the same, looking back and suddenly realizing you’re a bit different.

I know that I need to stop complaining about this incident, that I need to get my shit together. But what would help was one person that understood, one person that actually understood me and loved me, not just tolerated me. I’d much rather prefer beating myself up about this. People don’t understand that there’s a difference between complaining, and the actual self loathing that you can’t just let go of.

It’s the same idea with my art. Everyone had always thought that I criticized it because I wanted attention, when in reality, I saw every flaw, every mistake. The same with myself. Every flaw, every mistake, I scrutinize, I replay, I criticize.  I have said every possible bad thing to myself, so I never quite understood why anyone else was needed to criticize me too.

But oh well. Just burning more bridges until I have nowhere left to go, I guess.

& we are all a bunch of liars, tell me baby who do you wanna be

When we graduated last year, we couldn’t understand how, in this day and age, people would fall out of contact with their high school friends. We figured that with social networks and constantly communicating, we would always be in contact, but I guess what we didn’t realize is how much would change when we all went our separate ways.

I still think of these people as my friends, no doubt, often I am still proud to talk about them and I do think of them fondly, but as I sit here, I do not feel the need to be in contact with them anymore. And this is coming from me, the one who stayed behind and has no other friends, imagine how they must be feeling with their new lives and new friends. I just feel like we have outgrown each other, as much as it pains me. We don’t need each other to break the isolation that we felt in school because they are no longer isolated. I, on the other hand, am more isolated than ever, but it doesn’t change the way I feel.

I think it’s paired with the fact that I feel like I am in the way now. I have nothing to talk about with them. I feel guilty about talking to them about things that go on in town because I know that they don’t care, but it’s all I have. I feel like they see me as less of a person now, oh she stayed behind, she doesn’t matter. They have their shit together, they are working towards their future, their lives matter.

Even next week, I am looking more forward to coming back home than going to the city. I feel like my friends don’t want to see me, and don’t really want to help me. Everything is done out of obligation, there is no empathy or kindness behind their actions. It frustrates me, and yet it motivates me. I just want to come home and work on myself, and leave those people, my former best friends, behind. I want to discover myself, and return to the city next year and make my own friends, so I won’t need them anymore, at all.

It’s more a problem with myself than with them, it always is. I will end up pushing everyone away. just like what happened at school this year. Sometimes I think I would have made friends if it wasn’t for my anxiety and self esteem.

In the beginning, I had, you can say, “latched onto” two girls at school. The first years had to go to the beach, and we even carpooled together. For a moment, I was quite content. I was in someone’s car, with two new girls who would possibly become my friends. I was in a city I loved, driving to the beach with her singing to the radio. I was hopeful.

Quickly the girl I came with made a new friend, I had tried to participate in their conversations, but everything I said fell flat on the ground. Within a week they would go off to lunch together. Initially, I would come along, but little things kept happening, like we would order food and they would start walking away while I was still waiting for mine. It felt like they didn’t consider me as “one of them”. I tried sitting with them, but I never felt comfortable, I felt like I was in the way.

I don’t know how true it was, or if it even happened at all. My self esteem was, and still is, so low that I cannot believe that anyone would want to be comfortable with me. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin that I can barely function. I am prone to criticizing myself so no one has to, and if they do, it’s nothing I haven’t told myself before. This is just another indication that I am nowhere near ready to function in the outside world.

And this is why on campus residence is a must for me. New people everywhere I turn, a new chance for me to make friends. I feel like if I am not forced to interact with these people, the next five years of my life will also be spent in isolation. And how many second chances can I get? I need to get this right.

I should be okay with not constantly having validation about how someone feels about me or thinks about me. And I shouldn’t always put myself down, but where does confidence come from?

Maybe in six months time I will look back and not have changed at all.

Holy horseshit, Batman!!

I’ll admit, I haven’t had the easiest year. And I’ll also admit that most of it was my fault, but after spending months being angry about it, fighting about it, I have to say, I am feeling quite content right now.

I get on the bus on Sunday. In my mind I had this lovely picture of me walking into my building, sorting everything out, cleaning and packing away what needed to be packed away. I thought I would go visit my best friend at her university, walk a little, explore a little. Then I thought my friends and I would go back to my apartment and pack everything away, afterwards we would go out and have fun.

In my years on earth I had realized that things don’t often go as planned. I assume I will return to my shoebox of a room, the big mess I left it in a month ago, realize that there is absolutely not enough room and panic. I will not be visiting my friend because she has grown up and moved on and has no time for me. Then my other friends will begrudgingly help me move my crap into her house, then leave. I will once again be alone for two days before struggling to get my baggage to the bus station and return to the hometown that I had loathed for years.

But that’s okay. At least that way I won’t binge or waste money.

When I get home I have to start searching for a job. I am not prepared to work in a popular restaurant where I will see not only former schoolmates but teachers who expected a lot from me as well. I will settle for a less popular restaurant, which hopefully will be safer for me. Though I will be making less money, I will still be making money. And I have to admit, I am looking forward to it. I get to make money without the responsibility of paying bills or buying food. I get to have money to spend on my friends, I get to fix my disaster of a hair color, and I finally get to order all the books that I had wanted for so long.

I feel like I was in denial. I had pretended that my time in the city was so amazing. Yes, it’s an amazing place, but I hadn’t handled it the right way. I pretended to love the place I lived in, the truth was it was cold and unwelcome, and the owners really only wanted money. The people were selfish and unfriendly and to be honest, I’m glad to be leaving.

I get to take a breath, get fit, lose weight, hopefully fix my skin and hair, and hopefully learn a little more before I once again attempt to reenter the real word as I attend my dream school.

Going to take things one day at a time until one day I can look back, and everything, including me, is different.